Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”
Many years ago, my oldest son wanted terribly to live with his father, my ex-husband. He was a conniving, manipulative child, with many emotional and learning struggles. He turned his father’s leaving us into anger and bitterness, and became a hurtful person to live with.
After begging and begging me to allow him to live with his father, who was abusive, he decided to take matters into his own hands. He lied to the police and told them that I was abusing him. His father signed legal papers with false statements, sworn before God and man, that I did things like, “hitting my children with metal rods”, and other ridiculous and illogical accusations. Anything to alarm a judge to remove all of my children from my home.
It is a terrible thing when fathers use their better financial position to wreak havoc on their children’s mother and siblings, in order to win the power war. I truly believe that God reserves a special punishment for men who use their power to wound little children and single mothers.
In losing my children, even for a time, it felt as though I had lost my very self. It felt as though someone had taken a knife and cut out my womb. The children that I had loved, wanted, carried and labored for were gone, in a flash. That is all it takes in America, to lose your children without evidence, or trial. False statements from a angry ex-spouse.
Exodus 23:1, “Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.”
Eventually, my two youngest children were returned to me, but I was branded, judged, considered guilty, without a fair trial of my peers, and the damage was done. My middle son never fully recovered respect for me, and is currently estranged from our family.
My youngest, a toddler, had nightmares for years, and never really trusted anyone after that.
My oldest, who carried out this plan, was fully supported by his father. He was never returned to my home, having won his change of address. He has only spoken to me twice since then. Once at a trial reunion that didn’t work, and another time when his father’s family sickened of picking up the pieces of his life, and he needed his car to be pulled out of a ditch where he had crashed it.
From time to time, I have heard news of him through the grapevine. It has rarely been good. Always painful for our family, and probably for him.
I yearned for years for this son, and pined for him. I used to see the back of a boy’s head at a store, and his name would come forth from my lips. The boy would turn around, and it would not be him. I felt like the mother of one of the kids whose pictures are on the milk cartons. I kept remembering him as he looked the day he left. Even after ten years, I still would spot kids that looked like that skinny, blonde-headed boy of mine. Always to no avail, as he never aged in my mind.
My youngest has spent the last year telling a friend at youth group that he looks just like his brother. He really doesn’t, but we both have spent a lifetime mentally and emotionally trying to “find” the boy that was taken from our hearts and lives.
At the same time, I was just furious that he would wreck our family like this. I couldn’t imagine a child that would just throw his mother away. What kind of a hard heart would do this thing? Eventually, I was able to give all my hurt, and the angry thoughts of my heart, to my Savior. I was left broken and mournful. In truth, I am still to this day.
Accidentally, the other day, we found out that David is a single parent of a little boy. How odd, a single parent (like me), of a boy with blonde hair (like my son’s). That means that I am a grandmother!!! Wow, what great news! But wait, this little boy has stage four cancer. My son, is afraid of losing his son (like I was).
So, here it is. A great grief, from afar, where I can do nothing, as usual, but get on my knees and pray, and thank God that I didn’t ever wish this son of mine hard times, or to hold against him the awful things that he did to me. But here is God allowing a great and terrible price to be extracted.
I have no stance but to prostrate myself on the ground, in utter wordless trembling and fear, at the great cost of generational sin in families. We all shall answer to Him for the very conversations of our heart.
Job 38:1-3, “Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.”
Join me, in rejoicing that God is there, in the midst of great sorrow and mourning.